Yes, yes. I know. Why do I even bother blogging when I am probably the most sporadic poster alive. I blog like how I eat cookies. I go forever without eating them (or posting) and then all of a sudden I eat like 90 in one sitting. Granted I haven’t had a true full blown cookie since my little one was born, but you catch my drift. And I still have gluten free cookies sweetened with honey though!
But I’m gonna give a small insight why it’s hard for me to be consistent. Besides the fact that life happens, and that I’m just too tired, I get anxious about it. Yes. I get very nervous about blogging. For a couple reasons.
1. I have anxiety, no lies I get anxiety over whether or not my dogs flea and tick treatment gets on my hands. Basically I get anxiety over a multitude of things.
2. The Internet scares the bejeezers outta me because I’m a hermit and it weirdos me out that people can read everything I write.
3. This blog is fairly self-centered and I don’t enjoy being selfish. Well my sinful side does I guess. But I want to use my experiences to help people. *trying to balance out self-centered ness?*
4. It makes me feel like a failure. I put a lot of “myself” out there on this blog and call me crazy (4 realz peeps, you could probs certify it) but I’m like a 1 year old who needs constant reassurance to take their next step. This is why I’m so blessed to have the husband I have, because he reassures me in just the right way.
Anyway, the point is I don’t blog a lot because I’m self-centered and self-conscience. I’m like a poor artist who is barely scraping by right before they die and then they make millions. So after I die I’m gonna make millions, obviously.
Anyway, the thought of posting has not helped me lately. I’ve been very frank with my struggles of anxiety and depression, but I think people assume that since I have a blog and smile often that I’m good to go. That’s not how this stuff works. No matter how I smile, this is a trial that will plague me for the rest of my life. And unless God wants to answer my prayer that he suddenly clear me of this in a way that I WANT, this will be something that sits on my shoulder every hour of every day for the rest of my life. Now I’m not saying this to solicit pity, or bring forth a dramatic pause in the theatrical show that is my life (starring My Baby Girl and her faithful sidekick Melvin the Magnificent). But it’s just to make you stop and think. What is the difference between someone who is struck immobile, numb by the constant hammering of depression, who is locked in the darkness of their head, and someone like me? Well. It took time for me to get here, and a whole buttload of effort. I have an amazing support system in my parents and primarily my husband. I got to a point in my life where I needed to live and I had to work for it. It seems unfair that the one way to help a depressed person who has no motivation and mentally shuts down and escapes reality is for them to choose to re-enter the living and WANT to get better. How can you make that step?! Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but all I can say is God helped me. He gave me Sebastian and Sebastian would sit and hold me, he would open the Bible to anywhere and begin to read whatever was there just so my bloody brain could focus on one thing and not everything and nothing at once. I would sit and rock or cry or lay empty as he would read me the only thing that wouldn’t make my breakdown worse. I’m pretty sure during my worst times I remember him reading an Old Testament battle to me. Just keeping it real in the ROAR house. *winky face*
Anyway, sorry to make this such a weird post. But sometimes I get sick of two things:
1. People assuming you just decided to get better, which honestly you do have to decide to want to get better. How contradictory. This could probably be a post all on its own.
2. The misunderstanding that this generally doesn’t just “go away” like a cold.
Although, my mom’s chicken noodle soup does always make me feel better.
I am not a doctor and have no professional training in this area! I just have experience from my own life! If you need help PLEASE consult a professional and/or doctor! That is what they are there for and they WANT to help you!