A Treatise on Depression…of Sorts

You wanna know the truth? Depression sucks. Anxiety too. They both just bite. You wanna know one of the main reasons for this? It’s not measurable. I can’t go in and get a blood test done that tells me my depressive levels have sky rocketed or that I my anxiety is off the charts. And because of this no one, not even the person suffering, can truly understand. You wanna know why I had anxiety as a child and never realized it until I was in my 20s? Because I thought it was normal to get these random waves of “unease” that would cause me to be physically ill. I thought it was normal to have to sit quietly and reassure myself that I was safe and nothing was going to happen. And because I thought it was normal, I never shared it with my parents or doctor. And because I thought it was normal, no one saw a trace of it in any tests run at the doctor’s office.

(Psalm 31:15 is the passage that I have used as comfort since I first memorized it from my Memory Treasures in grade school. I debated sharing it because I hold this passage close to my heart and didn’t want to share something so personal… I then realized how foolish I was being since 1. God’s Word was never meant to be kept from others, it is meant to be shared 2. I’ve basically already thrown “personal” out the window with this blog)

Today, I know it isn’t normal. I know what a lot my triggers for anxiety are, and I generally know how to handle them. But it makes me sad that when I tell people of my issues I can’t give them tests results to show for it. I get the oddest reactions when I mention my struggles. Truthfully, more than anything, I find the reactions hilarious. When I was first dating my Marine and he asked what my medication was for, his reaction was priceless…. “ooooooooooooooohhhhhh…..” haha I still chuckle thinking about it… I wish I would have just looked at him and said “That’s right kid. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into *insert eyebrow wiggle* ”

But in reality the words for depression and anxiety are so vast in their meanings. Someone can say they are depressed and it can mean…

I’m really sad

Ugh things aren’t going my way

My doctor just diagnosed me with depression

I can’t get out of bed, I have no motivation

I have no emotions

I don’t want to live anymore

You aren’t wrong in any of those assumptions. The word depressed can really be used for all of those instances. So how do you react when someone says they are depressed? Well, it’s hard to say because who knows what they are talking about unless they explain further. So what’s the best response? Don’t ignore them or quickly change the subject. When in doubt, just tell them you are praying for them.

I have days where I wake up and I’m fine. And then I have days, like this past Sunday where I wake up and it’s horrible. And then there are days where it’s slowly building and I plummet. I can’t take a test and look at my depression and anxiety levels to make sure things are going ok. I by no means mean to downplay any disease or disorder where you can take a test and find out how you are doing, I only mean to impress upon people that with depression and anxiety, I can only know it’ll be horrible when I get to that point. And I have horrible thoughts. And I can’t escape my brain even though I want to. And I get irrationally angry at my husband. All of this is so not cool. Because I love my husband. Because I have an amazing life. Because my worth is in Christ, not in my daily actions.

(Jesus is the light of the world, the light no darkness can overcome)

I am not a doctor or physician, but I consulted both before starting my journey. If you need help consult the professionals immediately! I have no training. The professionals do and they are there to help!